Pay Dirt is Slate’s money advice column. Have a question? Send it to Athena and Elizabeth here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Pay Dirt,

My partner and I are in over our heads on a house. It seemed like a good idea at the time, when everyone was trapped at home due to COVID, but selling a condo and buying a house in our city last year was like being hit in the head and waking up in the Hunger Games—tears, blood, a lot of knee-jerk thinking, believing you wouldn’t survive, then success and relief but with a sense of WTF just happened. The long and short is that we took a loss on the condo and it took all of the proceeds and a lion’s share of our cash savings to put us in our current home.

We cleared underwriting for the mortgage, but off the bank’s radar our budget was predicated on a dicey assumption. Our son attends a nontraditional school and a relative made a generous, and I might add unsolicited, offer to help out with part of his tuition until he graduates. While appreciated, this did make me nervous, it made our financial planner nervous, it made our friends nervous, I think it made the cat nervous, but repeated reassurances were given over several months and there is history of this person being very kind and selfless to my partner with an “I’d like to see you enjoy your inheritance before I die” philosophy.

But here we are 10 months in, the promised money has never appeared, and in fact when we asked gently about it we were met with incredulity and even a bit of hostility. We don’t know what changed, but it’s clear there is not going to be any assistance forthcoming. So be it. We are in a fix. The rub is, after living in this house less than a year, if we sell, we will, again, take a likely substantial loss. I would also add that we are “nontraditional” parents of the not-so-young variety, not on Social Security yet but not with 30 years to grow out of our financial mistakes.

My partner is dead set that we just need to dump this albatross. She has a point. Living the way we do, we slip a little deeper into the hole every month, and she would like to return to the salad days of not having to think so much about what we spend. Her plan, however, is based on (in my opinion) overestimating how much we’ll get for this house, how much it will cost to buy a new one, and how much savings we would really get by moving to a slightly less expensive house (she is looking in a range about 25 percent below our current home’s value).

I think we should hunker down, stop making the debt hole deeper, and try to ride it out until our kid finishes his school (in 2023) and the tuition bill goes away. Yes, this would mean an indefinite moratorium on travel and a lot of other little luxuries we enjoy that add up every month, and I get that there are also other risks with waiting to sell later (rising interest rates, another crash, asteroids, aliens, another Trump administration), but it might mean saving the equity that we’ll need for our retirement.

What am I not considering? Am I Scrooge McDuck refusing to let go of a diamond that’s too big as it drags me to the bottom to drown—or is my partner being too quick to throw the baby out with the bathwater, being unwilling to make lifestyle compromises? We will have to make painful choices either way, but is one of us making more sense?

—Can’t Rewind This One

Dear Can’t Rewind This One,

I don’t think you’re Scrooge McDuck, nor do I think your partner is trying to throw out a nonexistent baby with nonexistent bathwater. But what I do think is right now the two of you probably have no business owning a home. Let me explain why.

You learned a hard and expensive lesson throwing your condo on the market and then purchasing a home you couldn’t afford, premised on a promise that never came to fruition. For that, I am truly sorry—that family member has some shitty karma coming their way. And you are right, a lot of people did buy a pandemic home they are now kicking themselves over.

But the point I feel you might be missing is that you should not have bought a home in the first place, and it seems odd that now, you want to rush into buying another one. Houses are expensive, whether they are stand-alone or condos. You need to pay upkeep (which could range from new appliances to a whole new roof) and property taxes. From what I gather above, you and your partner seem to think you can run away from issues of ownership, including a pricey mortgage. I want you and your partner to both think if property ownership is right for you in this time at your life, because renting could be a more manageable option.

That bigger question aside, I think you need to stay put for now. Waiting to reassess your living situation until your son graduates next year gives you a realistic timeline to work on cleaning up your finances. First, look into creating a zero-based budget. Zero-based budgeting allows you to assign a category or “job” to every dollar you bring in, right down to the penny. You need accountability, and this budgeting method will do just that. Download a zero-based budgeting type of software, such as You Need A Budget. You could also do this for free using a tool like Mint, but for now, pay the fee. Next, link Trim up to your accounts. Trim is a free app that will help you cut and negotiate your bills to relieve room in your budget, so that you will stop feeling like you are house-poor and can start to build a savings account while figuring out your next move. Take this year to breathe, save, and contemplate. Who knows? Once you figure out your money flow, you may actually end up loving your area and choose to enjoy your dream house after all.

Dear Pay Dirt,

My ex and I divorced more than a decade ago. He kept the house we shared, and was supposed to transfer the mortgage into his own name. He missed the window where he could do that with a simple form (it wasn’t a priority for him), and he was not allowed to refinance for the first few years, since we got a federal new homebuyer tax credit.

However, it’s now been 11 years since the divorce was finalized, and my name is still on the mortgage (and it’s still on my credit report). I’ve tried sending him letters to remind him that I still have access to the account, since it’s through the same bank as my personal account. I’ve tried contacting lawyers to see if there’s any legal recourse, with no luck. I live out of state, and the only response I got from a lawyer in his state was “It will be expensive and probably won’t work.”

Fortunately, he’s obsessive with his own credit score and has made all the payments on time, but the fact that my credit report shows I’m “responsible” for this loan does limit my options for buying my own house or qualifying for other loans. Do you have any suggestions for how I can address this?

—When the Past Just Won’t Let Go

Dear Past Won’t Let Go,

This does sound like a sticky situation, and it sounds like you have tried to be fair and act out of kindness to your ex. He may have a good reason to be fearful of trying to obtain a new mortgage on his own, but that doesn’t mean that you should be in this position. I think it’s time for you to find a lawyer who won’t dismiss you and can actually settle this once and for all.

Since real estate law is different in every state, you need to find an attorney who practices where your ex and the current mortgage are located. Your ex has been living there, so while you may be able to transfer everything in a seamless manner, you may have to follow certain rules or regulations while transferring. I would never suggest you should sell the home out from under him, since it sounds like he has been keeping up with the payments and being respectful in that department, but an attorney will be able to find a way for both parties to move forward with minimal damage. I’m cheering for you and I’m hoping that once this is behind you, you can both successfully move on.

Money advice from Athena and Elizabeth, delivered weekly.

Dear Pay Dirt,

I have a satisfying full-time job, and I’ve been slowly paying off debts accrued from, well, life. I am married, but outside of the family account we use to pay our mortgage and shared bills, my husband and I each keep our bank accounts and financial lives separate. And I like it that way!

I have discovered that I can make pretty good money doing freelance work. This is work I enjoy, I’m good at it, and it will allow me to pay down my remaining credit card debt so much faster, along with pumping up my/our savings. Even though I think my husband and I are probably doing OK with financial stuff, I long to be out of the credit card debt trap that I’ve been in my entire adult life.

The problem is, I have never had any interest in any of the “being my own boss” stuff. I am not worried about finding clients, managing my schedule, or completing the work. But I am terrified of bringing in so much money that I will somehow mess up our tax bracket or run afoul of the IRS. For years, my husband has done our taxes, but this would be so much more complex.

I probably need to find an accountant, but I have no idea how to do that and a kind of low-level fear of being judged for past bad financial decisions, or being taken advantage of or given bad advice. I’ve been putting off really starting my business until the new year, but now that 2022 is here, I feel really stuck about how to find an accountant and make sure everything is on the up and up.

—Can’t Take This Next Step

Dear Can’t Take This Next Step,

Congratulations on this next exciting chapter of your career. I myself just decided to go full time as a freelancer and I have many days where I’m excited one minute, then horrified the next.

I’ve asked Moriah Chace to talk us both off the ledge. Chace is a rising queer voice in the heavily male-dominated personal finance space, whose work can be regularly seen in publications like the Motley Fool. Her advice for keeping the IRS out of her hair? “From every check that I get, 30 percent gets set aside for taxes, 20 percent goes into my savings goals, and then I live off of the other 50 percent,” Chace said. It doesn’t sound like you are going from full-time W-2 work to full-time freelancing, like me, but Chace’s advice still holds: “You can definitely set yourself up for success by dealing with each payment that comes in, instead of trying to create monthly metrics.” Chace also shares that she’s been able to hit her financial goals more reliably now that she has autonomy over her pay, so that’s some incentive to get over the fear of consequences and go for it.

I would also advise finding an accounting software that specializes in helping freelancers, such as FreshBooks or QuickBooks. Both have real accountants that you can talk to in real time for additional support, or if you’re feeling more confident in outsourcing, you can do that with these platforms as well. I love the idea of uploading everything to FreshBooks via an app and then letting my accountant handle the rest. You’ve got this!

Dear Pay Dirt,

I’m a European, head over heels, ready to get married to a wonderful guy from the U.S. and move over permanently, but we have a sticking point in the form of his medical debt. A few years ago, he had a critical medical episode (with no insurance in place) and now owes around half a million dollars for his care. As a European this situation is unthinkable to me, and we hear scare stories about how the USA treats people with medical bills, so I’m having a hard time accurately and constructively pitching my level of concern here.

Thankfully he is fully recovered and the episode didn’t result in any ongoing conditions, need for care, or serious costs for medication. And he is insured now! I’m having problems working out just how worried I should be, and if I need to do anything to protect myself, and the shared assets we will invest in once married, like a home or pensions. He also does not really engage with the scale of his debt because it is so overwhelming, and I am worried it will soon catch up with him. I don’t believe he has paid off more than a few thousand dollars so far. He assumes it is like all debt collection and at some point he will be able to negotiate payment plans and a smaller amount. But in its best-case scenario, that still sounds like a lifetime of paying off medical bills.

And in a few months, we will be married, so in theory, am I legally also responsible for this? Do we need a prenup protecting my (minimal) assets and any future assets we might own together (like a house, cars, etc.), and would lawyers even recognize that in this instance?

I should say, his assets from a house sale will cover our deposit for a home eventually, and his credit rating (somehow, it’s very good despite this?) will be what we are evaluated on for a mortgage. He’s understandably frustrated that I’m happy to let him bring these assets but I also want to be protected from his debt, which of course I understand, and I’ve suggested a prenup that also references the percentage stake in ownership of our home.

I don’t propose to leave him to deal with it alone—for example, I could take on a bigger share of household costs for a while, but I need to know the plan, the duration, and the endpoint if I’m going to commit to supporting someone long term in this way. I also feel like it cannot be good for a person to have this amount of debt and uncertainty hanging over them, and he has agreed to go back to the hospital and ask further questions before we get married.

I’d really like to equip him and us with a better understanding of his patient rights, but as a foreigner I don’t know if we need to speak to a lawyer—if so, which kind? Or are there any nonprofits who can provide this specialist advice? Does he have to disclose his assets from his house sale? Could that be seized from his bank?

I have so many questions and no idea where to start. I think he’s too overwhelmed to do this research and ask these questions himself. This is something I can handle for the both of us, and if this was in my home country I’d have this answered by now, but I need to be pointed in the right direction, please.

—What a Mess

Dear What a Mess,

First of all, I am so happy to hear that your fiancé has recovered and is no longer looking at serious or ongoing medical issues. Medical debt is typically one of the easiest debts to negotiate, but it doesn’t seem like it when there is over half a million of it staring you in the face.

Since he has been starting to make payments on it, and you are both bringing in substantial assets to the marriage, you should definitely consult an attorney—someone who practices family law. An attorney can help you design a prenup that could help keep you safe from being responsible for any medical debt, should you live in a community property state. Yes, medical debt can be considered marital debt in community property states, so it’s best to always protect yourself. An attorney can advise you on the best course of action to keep the medical debt from turning your bright financial future into a dark one before your marriage can even start. Do what you feel is best for you and protect yourself. At the end of the day, you’re the only one you’ve got.

—Athena

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